Source: cammmpo.tumblr.com via Skye (Rindercella) on Pinterest
dear daughter,
right now you are just an afterthought. a huge fear of mine. a great gift. but you are not forming in my womb. you are still just a floating bit of my body waiting to be made into a beautiful baby, a giggly little girl, a classy young lady, and an ambitious woman.
the idea of having a baby at all scares the hell out of me. learning how to change diapers or wiping drool/spit up off of my shirt without gagging is only the beginning. simply keeping you alive when you have no knowledge of how to do it yourself is only scratching the surface. instead of simply keeping you alive, i have to teach you how to live.
once you are here i know my life will never be the same. i will be responsible for teaching you how to live your life in a way that honors God, you, your parents and all of those people around you. do you realize how big a responsibility that is? do you grasp the unapproachable greatness of that? it stretches beyond how to talk and walk and eat with a fork and spoon or tie your shoes.
i have to show you what you are worth. how much you are valued. i have to instruct you how to respect yourself and where you come from. i have to instill morals and values into you so that you will make smart decisions based on eternal implications that you will never fully understand.
that makes me want to crawl in a hole and just hide forever. it definitely makes me want to have a hysterectomy. how can i teach you these things when i don’t understand them in the slightest? how can i expect you to act one way when i probably did the complete opposite when i was your age?
there is something that i want you to always know and always understand.
you are worth it. you are worth waiting for. you are worth fighting for. never let anyone tell you different.
you are beautiful. you might have braces, have to wear glasses, wear a different size clothing than all of your friends, but remember that God made you. He formed you, bit by bit, in my womb to be exactly who you are and look exactly the way you do. and i’m sorry but your crooked nose comes from three generations of women who have it and no, i will never pay for you to have a nose job. because when i look at you and see that crooked nose, i see my mother and my grandmother.
that is something else that scares me. you will never know either of these women. and let me tell you why. they didn’t take care of themselves. they took advantage of the bodies God gave them and abused them. i know my mom tried to fix things and make her health better but she would have lived a lot longer if she had started young. so please take wonderful care of your body. feed it healthy foods, don’t ever smoke a cigarette because it will be terribly hard for you to quit. exercise for fun and remember that you are never punishing your body – you are pushing it to be better, faster, stronger, and able to live longer to one day meet your grandbabies.
and finally, understand this. at this point in my life, and i’m nearly thirty, i don’t want to have a baby. not that i don’t want you, but like i said, i am scared of all of the responsibility that comes with it. and i didn’t know what to do. whether or not to have one. whether or not to trust myself with a baby. so i am turning to God. i am praying for you already and i haven’t even decided to try to have you yet. i am praying for strength to be a mom. i am praying for your father to be a model of the man you might want to marry one day. i am praying for us as future parents and you as our future child. i know when i meet you all the pieces will fall into place but i’m praying for God to just get me to that point.
there will be more letters to you because i have much more to say.
you are so so loved.
xoxo,
mom
linking up with kelsey
beautiful post, you will find ways to overcome alot of your fear through motherhood, but at the same time it's always there, You will be a great mommy!
I love this post so much! It's beautifully written!!
Love this. 🙂 It's amazing how much of this takes care of itself when you become a mother. I would love to see you be a Mom, but I absolutely trust you to do what's right for you.
what a beautiful, sweet and honest post!
Tears are running down my face. I had the same fears not very long ago. Then a switch was flipped inside of me and I felt like God was calling me to start trying to have a baby. I was still terrified – still am – of all the things you listed and more. And then I got pregnant (a couple of times, actually) and was scared of everything. But those 10 months prepared me. I spent those 10 months being the only one who could feel our baby. I was the only one who could provide him shelter, food, etc. Now that he's here, I can share him with others, but he still relies of me for so much. And while he sleeps in the wrap at church, I pray he's soaking in the worship. When we're getting ready for bed, I tell him about all the people who love him. When he looks at his daddy and Jarrod sings to him, my heart is so full. God is so good and will give you everything you need to be the best mom possible when the time is right. 🙂
Thank you so much for the sweet comment. It is good to know that others I think are amazing mom's already were terrified of it at first.
This is such a beautiful post Skye. I love how open and honest you are in it. When/if you do ever have this beautiful little girl – she will know just how much you love her.
This is truly beautiful. I am amazed by your openness! No one is ever truly ready to be a parent… & if you are ever blessed with a child a can guarantee you won't "regret" it. God will give you all the strength you need <3
Wow this is so well-timed for me personally and now I'm inspired to write a similar letter to this baby girl that I haven't met yet. Having a boy didn't scare me half as much. But you know what? I didn't want babies either. Strongly, ferociously did NOT want a baby. Only did it because Andy wanted to and I felt like I could not withhold that from him for his whole life, so I gave in. I am a selfish, selfish person, and even I can say that it is the best thing ever. I gag easily but am hardly affected by my own baby. I knew nothing about babies but you learn. I still feel awkward around other people's kids but not my own. There's no rush to have kids, and no pressure if you decide that's not for you, but just a little encouragement that what life looks like on the other side of birth – and what YOU will be like – is totally different from what you can imagine right now. I think you'll be a pretty incredible mom if you decide to.
This is almost exactly what I needed to hear! Thanks so much for being honest and (quite frankly) being a lot like me! I love that one of the reasons you did it was for your husband. That is one of the sweetest gifts you can give someone. 🙂
You are so brave for being so vulnerable in this post and letting us witness it. Thank you. And BTW, I will teach you all about diaper changing… Aunt Fancy!
O. Skye. Just that you wrote this proves you will be a good mom. No one is ever truly ready for it. That human is one of a kind 😉 always.
Skye this was so beautifully written. And Aubrey is right, no book, advice, child raining class will every make you truly ready, but by this post and knowing you, I know that you will be a remarkable mother. There is so much love that flows from you for your friends I can't imagine the Love that would outpour onto your babies.
xoxo!
This is amazing. Just the fact that you take having a baby so seriously, are praying, discerning, and reflecting on all of this means so much. It means that when you get there, you'll be deeply rooted, not that it still won't knock you off your feet. Becoming a mom is scary. Suddenly you're responsible for this little person who is so vulnerable and amazing – this whole other human being who is made in the image of God with dreams and hopes and passions and gifts and challenges. It's overwhelming.
But the amazing thing, for the most part, is how other folks tend to lean protectively toward mothers and babies. Sometimes it's overbearing and irritating, but for the most part it's just love. Your someday child will never want for love from you and daddy and all the folks in your lives who love y'all.